


Drowning in the Open

by Dogsocks



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Kenma is a good friend, M/M, Panic Attacks, tiny bit of fluff at the end maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 17:17:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9081988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dogsocks/pseuds/Dogsocks
Summary: Something is wrong.Kuroo can't put his finger on what exactly, but something isn't right. It's a faint feeling at first, something there but just barely as practice stretches on, nagging at the back of his mind. Kuroo’s darting eyes catch on Kenma watching the way his hands are shaking from across the court. He balls his hands into fists to mask it, but Kenma's careful gaze doesn't falter until the ball is served.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I've been working on a super long TeruDai fic lately, which isn't ready to be posted yet, but I haven't put anything on here in a while so I figured I'd write this in the meantime just for the hell of it. 
> 
> So, I pretty much wrote this because people tend to write Kenma having anxiety/panic attacks and Kuroo comforting him, which is great, but there aren't as many with Kenma having to help out Kuroo. So, I wrote one, hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Also, there is definitely a panic attack in this. That's pretty much the whole thing. If you don't check the tags, I hope you read the notes.

Something is wrong.

Kuroo can't put his finger on what exactly, but something isn't right. It's a faint feeling at first, something there but just barely as practice stretches on, nagging at the back of his mind. 

He's just paranoid and he can't say why. He's more aware than ever of how close everyone in the room is to him and for some reason it puts him on edge the longer he thinks about it. He tries to ignore it, just wait it out so he can go home, but that doesn't last long.

The ball hits the floor on his side of the net with a loud smack for the third time since the start of the match, right through the block, and people are definitely starting to notice something is off. Of all the people for it to have been, the spiker was Lev, and Kuroo knows he’ll never hear the end of it from him. He can’t help it right now, though. He can’t focus at all.

"Kuroo, get your head out of your ass. I can't get every ball," Yaku says as he pulls himself off the floor just short of where the ball had landed. "Tighten up the blocks."

Kuroo hadn't even really noticed how much space was between him and the other blockers. His mind is a blur, indecisive over what to be thinking about when every movement demands his attention. He had been too focused on how fast his breathing had gotten to see the giant hole that pretty much made their wall into an open door. Is this how fast his breathing usually gets during practice? It’s barely even halfway over.

No, his breathing is too fast. This isn't the normal amount of fast, is it? It can’t be. Oh God, why is his breathing so fast? He tries to slow it down but it only gets worse as a ball flies right past him, almost hits him. He hadn’t even noticed that the game was still going, that he should have received that. He can’t pay attention to anything but his malfunctioning lungs. 

"My bad," he says shakily with a pained excuse for a smile and a wave of his hand as it smacks the court behind him. "Sorry."

"Kuroo-san, you good, buddy?" Yamamoto asks, eyeing him with concern as Kuroo tries to force air into his lungs and some kind of neutral expression onto his face. 

"Yeah, I'm just having an off day," he lies quickly, just to get the attention off him as everyone waits for an answer. "I'm fine." Yamamoto has a skeptical look on his face, but he turns back around. 

Kuroo’s darting eyes catch on Kenma watching the way his hands are shaking from across the court. He balls his hands into fists to mask it, but Kenma's careful gaze doesn't falter until the ball is served. It still feels like everyone is watching him and he really wishes they wouldn't. He’s not sure what’s happening, but he doesn’t need his whole team worrying about it or watching it happen.

He tries to get back in the game but he can’t focus at all. Everything feels wrong around him and his heart is hammering as a strange uneasiness tries to suffocate him. At some point his chest had started to hurt too. God, why does his chest hurt now? Is it from his breathing, or something else? His breathing hasn't even slowed down. If anything it's gotten worse, each breath seeming to provide less and less oxygen. 

This isn’t right. 

Something is wrong. Something is wrong. _Everything is wrong_. 

He forgets again, among the blur of utter chaos that his mind is at the moment, that he’s at practice. He’s at practice, spacing out while he has an internal crisis in the middle of the court where a volleyball game is currently happening. He’s surrounded by people, giving him worried looks as they play the game around his body. They’re talking, to him maybe, but nothing is registering. So is the coach. But Kuroo forgets, that while his mind is somewhere else, his useless body is shutting down in the middle of a live game. People are definitely yelling at him now and this time the ball doesn’t miss.

He stumbles backwards but doesn’t fall as his mind is sucked back into his body and its current predicament. The ball hits him in the stomach with more force than he was expecting and suddenly what little air he was able to get into his lungs is ripped out. Fuck, he can’t breathe _at all_ now. He sputters and coughs and tries to suck in air but _he can’t_. His eyes go wide as people throw words at him, words he doesn’t hear because _he can’t fucking breathe_. It feels like he's drowning, waiting to get back to the surface that he can't quite reach.

He doesn't know what he expects to happen next, but all he knows is something bad is happening and he needs to get away from these people and out of this gym before it gets worse. He doesn’t want anyone to see whatever the fuck is about to occur and there isn't enough air in here anymore. 

He suddenly makes for the door without even paying attention to the people calling his name and asking him questions that he can't hear. He can't hear anything over the hiss of his own struggled breathing coming back, if you can even call it that, and the constant, aching thud of his speeding heart as it tries to break open his chest. 

"I'll be right back," he croaks out as he folds his arms above his head. That's supposed to open your lungs up when it's hard to breathe. They all learned that during conditioning. It worked then, so why isn't it working now? Why is nothing working? 

He finds himself in the bathroom eventually, not even fully aware that this is where he was headed until he's here. It's empty, but he goes into one of the stalls anyways, because somehow he's still concerned that someone might walk in and see him like this, whatever _this_ is. He still doesn’t even know, which is worrisome on its own.

He locks the door and tries to calm down but all he can hear in the silence of the bathroom is his own strained heaving echoing back to him. His chest still hurts and he doesn't know _why_ , but he's getting light headed, so he finds a wall and slides down until he's sitting with his back to the door of the stall. 

Tears begin to prick the corners of his eyes as he claps his hands over his ears to try and silence his horrible wheezing, but that only makes it louder and it's making him want to scream. Maybe he does, he can’t tell. 

He realizes that he's absolutely terrified as he sits, shaking on the cold tile floor, because something is wrong with him right now and he doesn't know what. It feels like he's dying and he tries not to think about that particular fact, but the thought refuses to leave his mind, only serving to make his panicked tears come faster with each breath. 

Kuroo vaguely registers someone talking among the chaos and the screaming thoughts, but he doesn't catch what's being said or who's saying it. 

"Just gimme a minute," Kuroo breathes out with a huff of air, hoping that whoever it is just goes away. He doesn’t want anyone near him, watching him fall apart. It's probably someone from the team, and no one needs to see their captain in this state.

"Kuroo it's me," says the voice, presumably the one belonging to the pair of sneakers standing outside the stall. He recognizes the voice this time, though it's still hard to hear anything over the everything that's happening to him right now. 

"Kenma?" He asks shakily, barely above a whisper.

"Yeah," Kenma replies calmly. "Kuroo, can you open the door? I want to help you."

Instead of trying to force out words again, Kuroo just reaches up and unlocks the door without a second thought once he knows it’s Kenma, shifting to sit against the other wall. He doesn’t want people near him, but for some reason he needs Kenma, feels safer just knowing he’s around. Kenma crouches down just outside the open stall.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't b-breathe," Kuroo gasps out quickly. "It's not working and i-it hurts and I think-- I think I'm really dying, Kenma," Kuroo stutters out between breaths and sobs. "I-I don't know what to do. I’m gonna die."

"You're going to be okay. You're not dying, I promise you that, okay? I've never lied to you Kuroo. You're gonna be fine," Kenma assures, voice even, though for once his face actually gives away what he's feeling, and right now there's worry behind those eyes. He looks so certain yet somehow so unsure. The words don't do much, but he trusts Kenma if nothing else, that much he knows is true. "You can breathe."

Kuroo shakes his head vigorously when his words fail him. He can't breathe at all, what is Kenma talking about? Every breath feels smaller and emptier than the last and his heart is currently trying to break through his ribs. The sound of his own breathing echoing is scarier than anything else, scarier than even the way his chest is caving in because he can barely believe these strangled sounds are coming from _him_. Every breath sounds like it’s his last one and the thought is wrecking him. He hits his head against the wall behind him, maybe a little too hard, just to clear the thoughts, but they won’t leave. 

He thinks Kenma is talking again, but his brain doesn’t want to let him listen. He finally pulls his face away from the wall in front of him to look at Kenma’s face through a blur of tears he can’t quite blink away. He’s holding his hands out like he wants to touch Kuroo, with just a hint of panic in his own wide eyes.

"Yes, you can. You're breathing just fine right now, you just need to slow down, okay?" Kenma says with barely noticeable relief when he sees recognition come back to Kuroo’s eyes. He adjusts to sit with his legs crossed on the floor, lowering his hands. "I'm going to count for you and you're going to breathe with me when I tell you to. It'll be easy, alright? Can you do that for me?"

Kuroo nods a little bit, placing his forehead on one of his hands and closing his eyes, trying to focus on Kenma's voice. He grabs Kenma’s tiny hand impulsively with his free one, lacing their fingers and grabbing on for dear life. He knows Kenma can feel how hard he’s shaking, but he just needs to know that he’s there, steady and calm. 

Kenma starts to count, telling Kuroo when to breathe in, when to breathe out. It's rough at first, but eventually he can feel his heart slow, his breathing evening out to match the calmness of Kenma’s tone. He feels the air actually fill his lungs again and the pain in his chest slowly ebbs away. He takes a deep breath and he’s never missed a whole lungful of air so much in his life. As he lets it go, he feels every muscle in his body relax, suddenly void of any energy. 

His grip on Kenma’s hand loosens and he realizes how tight he was holding on. He watches Kenma silently open and close his hand as the blood flows back into the parts that had gone white. Kuroo’s eyes focus on the little red crescents where his own fingers had dug into his skin by accident. He feels bad because he knows it must’ve hurt and Kenma didn’t say a thing about it. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles, quickly pulling his hand back.

"It’s fine,” Kenma says then falls silent again. “Are you okay now?" he asks after several minutes. Kuroo lifts his head from where it was still in his hand, dragging his hand across his face as he moves to look at the ceiling. His head hits the wall behind him, which already hurts more than he's expecting. God, that was not the best decision. He lets out a sigh and nods slowly.

"I think so, but I feel sick now," Kuroo replies as nausea washes over him. 

"Are you actually gonna throw up?" 

Kuroo hums. "Probably."

He leans with his elbows on the toilet seat and his hands pushed up into his hair as he heaves out whatever wants to come up. He's aware of Kenma's hand rubbing across his shoulders and somehow it makes things a little bit better.

"Better?" Kenma asks as he helps Kuroo to his feet. His legs feel weaker than he was prepared for, and he wobbles a bit before he regains his balance.

"Not until I get this god awful taste out of my mouth," he says with a dry chuckle, trying to feign nonchalance even though he feels like he hasn't slept in days and he has no fucking clue what just happened to him. He doesn't know if he wants to. He can assume a few things, but he’s kind of reluctant to even address it. 

He manages to rinse his mouth out in the low sink, though it's kind of an awkward angle. He catches his own eyes in the mirror, puffy and red with streaks down his face, and he'd almost forgotten about how much of a miserable mess he must look like. It's kind of embarassing, but at least it's only Kenma. Either way, he tries to scrub at his face a little with his hands before they leave the bathroom, head still spinning. 

 

As they walk back towards the gym, Kuroo wants to talk to Kenma about it. He can’t just have something like that happen then never mention it, like it never happened at all. Kenma would probably be fine doing that, hence his current silence, but Kuroo can’t. He has to say something, _anything_ , maybe apologize for putting him through that, or at least thank him for what he did.

“Thanks,” he settles on finally. Kenma looks up at him before looking back to his feet as he walks.

“It’s not a big deal,” Kenma replies easily. “You’ve done the same for me,” he continues after a pause with a shrug as he shoves his hands in his pockets. 

“Yeah but still. I appreciate it. That’s never happened to me before, so,” Kuroo trails off looking away as Kenma’s golden gaze focuses back on him with something like confusion.

“Wait, so you don’t know what that was, do you?” Kenma asks. It makes Kuroo feel like there’s something he’s supposed to know that he doesn’t, even though he knows Kenma didn’t mean for it to sound that way.

“Well, I mean I can assume after the fact that it was something similar to a panic attack or an anxiety attack or something like that,” Kuroo reasons, “But I’ve never really given those things much thought for myself before and I wasn’t thinking too much about any of that while it was happening.” 

Kenma just hums. “I think it was a panic attack,” he says after a minute. “It’s similar to an anxiety attack, but it doesn’t have to be caused by a stressor or anything. It can just happen for no reason and it’s over whenever it’s over, which is why they’re usually longer.”

“Well, check that off of the list of things I never want to experience again.”

“Me too,” Kenma says honestly. “I really did know you would be fine. I didn’t doubt it. I’ve dealt with similar things, which is why I figured the counting would work, but when you hit your head on the wall, it was scary,” Kenma continues with a look in his eyes that Kuroo can’t place. “I wanted to stop you because it really looked like you were going to do it again, but you never know how people in that state will react to being touched, so you can’t, even if you want to.” Kuroo feels a wave of guilt at the comment. He never wanted to scare Kenma, never wanted him to go through that.

“I’m sorr--”

“No,” Kenma interrupts. “There’s nothing you could’ve done differently. I know that, okay?” Kuroo just nods as they approach the gym. “You’re not going back to practice, by the way,” he says quickly.

“Don’t worry, I’m not,” Kuroo chuckles. “I think I’m gonna take a nap in the club room until practice ends. Then we can walk home together.” He knows Kenma hates walking alone. It’s his turn to be a good friend today.

Kenma smiles. It’s only a tiny bit, unnoticeable to people who don’t know Kenma like Kuroo does, but it’s there.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there it is. Hope you liked it! Thanks for reading and thank you to anyone who leaves comments, kudos, etc.


End file.
